Being a parent of a child with multiple mental illnesses, I have learned a valuable lesson. Not everybody "gets it". This is the cold hard truth, my friend. If your child "looks" normal, but acts differently, not everyone gets that it's a mental disability not a behavior problem or bad parenting. High functioning autism, bi-polar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and any other mental illness isn't seen on the outside, and people can be so rude. If you are a parent of a child like this, I am quite positive you have had more than one experience. Often times, not even some of your family understands or gets it.
Life with a child, children, teen, young adult, or an adult child with mental illness will affect everything you do for the rest of your life. It affects your marriage, your family, and your other children. It affects what you do as a family, how you do things with your family, when you do things with your family and most certainly where you do things with a family. Our son's mental illness has affected what city we lived near, which dwelling we live in, where we work, and even where we go to church. It affected if, when, where and how we did road trips or vacations. It affects everything!
This type a child affects your social interaction, too. My son is not able to stay alone, for more than 10 minutes, still at age 19. That's even a stretch, so he is with someone 24/7. Places that he feels safe are few and far between. If he doesn't feel comfortable with someone, it is not worth leaving him with them. It causes more stress that is it worth. People don't always get that. But, when you live with someone with an anxiety disorder or mental illness, after years of experiences and the stress you live with 24/7, you learn not to create unnecessary stress. Daily life creates plenty for you.
Friends often leave you, when you aren't able to socialize. They may not get that you can't go to their house or leave your child with someone, especially when they are older. It's added stress to a parent with an older child to arrange "care" even at simple dinner outings or church events. So unless it is "family friendly", you have a hard time making it work. If you are like me, sometimes, too many stressful days cause me to hibernate or isolate just to survive and get some respite. That pulls me out of social circles and away, and it's easy to be forgotten. In other words, your friends don't always get it.
If I may encourage you, work hard not to allow yourself to drift away from your friends. I understand it is easier, especially with all of the hectic schedules, appointments, therapies and utter chaos life can be at times. You are weary, worn-out, and so stressed just to keep it together and then to have to share and trust that someone will "get" your situation is more that you can deal with. I am just now starting to be vulnerable after 15 years of the hardest, agonizing years, but it took me this long to have the courage. I am still working on not isolating, but I am trying. I guess I was too afraid to show the real me, the one who struggled with hope, who felt ever thing she did was wrong, who cried endless tears, who crawled in a closet in the backroom when no one was looking. Yes, that was me.
So, keep your friends close. Share, invite them in, and give them a chance to "get it". Share the tears, the grief, and the agony of your heart. Be real. Be vulnerable. Although some people don't understand or "get" the incredible load you carry with a mentally ill child, you will find that your true friends do and they want to be apart of your life and help bear your burden and lighten your load. If you find someone close to you who doesn't get it, just lower your expectations of their actions and do what is needed and let it go. Remember, not everybody gets it!
But, I DO!
Sharing my journey,
Lynne
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